Recently I joined the Legion of the Damned, a.k.a., bricked laptop user, with the latest Windows 10 Spring update. My 88-year-old father has also joined the Legion with a nicely bricked Dell laptop.
Desktops seem to be safe from this “Update Passover” that claims the first-born OS of a laptop while leaving others unscathed.
Perhaps my father and I did not properly mark our abodes as we were not passed over.
I would have said “it came like a thief in the night” but we are already deep in biblical allegory, which is fitting for a god-like operating system that can change your life overnight.
I’m not talking about a POSITIVE life change either.
In fact, it can increase your vocabulary in a manner of milliseconds with extremely improper words and phrases. Were it physically possible at my age, it might even have induced a roll on the ground temper tantrum.
The laptop isn’t my primary means of computing, but it is when on the road. Said road is a terrible place to have an update disaster.
Which is precisely why Windows Artificial Intelligence read my mind, tracked my schedule and bricked the laptop.
No, I don’t really believe my rant, but I WANT TO!!! Besides, it was personal, and I can hear Bill Gates laughing at me now.
How do I know it’s personal? Simple… the Windows 10 “chase your tail” loop, from startup to supposed recovery, that usually works, instead, miserably failed.
When I really need it… on the road.
I admit in recent years I have become a fanboy of Windows 10 repair options. They worked the few times I’ve needed them. It was with a high degree of confidence that I dove into the idiot buttons that repair the OS.
That confidence was soon crushed, spindled and mutilated.
It didn’t take long to resign myself to the fact that the onboard repair options were insufficient. No restore points could be found and the two choices for the previous OS were unusable.
At this point, my old and addled brain remembered a catchphrase from earlier times with Windows 95 or the almost unspeakable… Windows ME.
“Bill Gates is an a**hole”.
Sure, he helps more people worldwide in 10 minutes than I can in 10 lifetimes but that will not change my opinion of him based on a single forced upgrade. The fact that he has nothing to do with Windows is irrelevant.
It’s my inherent right as a lifetime Windows user to think ill of this man.
As I write this, I glance back at my father’s laptop, which is in the middle stages of recovery from a USB drive. I just hope it’s not a 12-step recovery program or I’ll soon be in one myself.
At this pace, the laptop will disintegrate into dust before the restore is complete.
Then… in the blink of an eye… the laptop flashes to the screen for operating system choices and there are more choices than hairs on my head!!! Where did all these come from???
No time to despair though… it flashes on through and continues to boot.
Last glance… 21 percent complete! Light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, it’s not connected to a digital freight train.
Now it's “Getting Ready” but minutes pass. It’s been here for awhile.
Geez… what’s it getting ready for? A royal wedding? Seems like it’s been getting ready for three days.
Now I start searching the internet for “stuck on Getting Ready” and get inundated with posts. Some saying they waited overnight!
In the days before downloads, back when I was a PC repair tech, I used to marvel at the rituals that people would do with their computers such as turning them off all night when 15 to 30 seconds would have sufficed to correct a problem.
I even had customers tell me to do everything short of hold my left leg up and my right leg out while simultaneously pressing 16 buttons on the keyboard.
Yes, sir… we users do strange things but now you never know how long to wait. Is it hung up… is it downloading, is it cleaning things up or is it just Bill Gates jacking with us???
Even though it felt foolish I decided to try the “be patient” approach that really translates into anything but. I waited and waited and then… by the grace of all cyber gods… that sucker booted up and ran like champ.
I foiled Bill Gates this time.
One less brick for the pile.
M.D. McCallum, a.k.a., WarLord is an international award-winning commercial graphics artist, 3D animator, published author, project director and webmaster with a freelance career that spans over 20 years. Now retired, M.D. is currently working part-time on writing and select character development projects. You can learn more about MD at his website.